Let's not beat around the bush: it was a hard winter. It was endlessly grey, as is to be expected. I was underemployed. There were breakups and heartbreaks. I was pretty sure I wanted to stay in Seattle but I often second-guessed myself, dreaming of joining friends on sailing trips in Panama or going back to Italy.
You know what else happened amongst all this change? I turned 30. For some reason, it seemed more fitting than ever to me that my birthday is in the early spring. I spread birthday festivities out over a few days, trying to process what it meant to say goodbye to my 20's. I thought back to my 20th birthday, when my gift to myself was a decade of selfishness. That may sound strange, like I'm some self-centered, indulgent, greedy person. But I meant "selfishness" more in the sense of doing exactly what I needed to do for me, and for my growth as a young adult. I wanted to have a lot of experiences and not regret not having done something. I knew I could not have children in my 20's, because that requires waaaaay too much selflessness. Even in terms of romantic relationships, I don't think I was ready to be in a committed partnership until just a couple years ago- again because I needed the clarity of knowing I was making my own life decisions for me. What resulted was an amazing, rich, fun, educational, adventurous decade of exploring the world and really coming into myself as a happy, confident adult. I put myself through college; welcomed a nephew and three nieces into the world; lived outside in northern California for 2 months; ran a marathon; discovered I loved gardening; learned how to cook; lived in an off-grid yurt in the woods; traveled to 26 countries; visited 28 U.S. states; lived abroad for a year, among many other things.
There were incredibly trying times of course, trying to figure out what paths and directions to take, and how to get from point A to point B. I don't know what I would have done without such supportive, loving friends who listened to me and were willing to share that process. In my early 20's, I had this sense of a blank canvas and desperately wanting to get the painting right. All of the empty space of the future felt freeing but also stifling in its openness, and I feared making a wrong brushstroke. Now I look back and realize all the times when I was just doing what seemed interesting to me or working a random job were actually the building blocks to becoming an experienced, well-rounded adult, putting more tools in life's toolbox. It's a cool age to be at, to be able to look around at friends who just followed what they loved, developed casual hobbies, and kept studying something- and see that they are now really good at what they do, or have their own business, or are awesome parents, or are running innovative projects, or are getting a Master's or PhD in their field.
And this whole process of growing up and developing is not stopping or stagnating just because we've hit the big three-oh. Of course not. I think we just have a different perspective on it now. I for one feel far less self-judgement and urgency about "figuring things out". I feel less stress about knowing "what I should be doing" and more willing to just work hard, do the things I love, appreciate each day, follow a framework of ideals, be a good friend/sister/daughter/aunt/cousin... and trust that life has a way of working itself out.
My 20's were wonderful but I wouldn't want to do them over. I'm happy to put them behind me and look forward. So, on my 30th birthday, I gave myself a Decade of Connection. I'm not exactly sure what that will look like, but I'm keeping it in mind and ready to watch it unfold.
2 comments:
You truly are amazing! Such an inspiration.
This is exactly how I'm feeling, thank you for finding the perfect words: "I for one feel far less self-judgement and urgency about "figuring things out". I feel less stress about knowing "what I should be doing" and more willing to just work hard, do the things I love, appreciate each day, follow a framework of ideals... and trust that life has a way of working itself out."
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